After this post, I'm going to end this blog, and probably move on to another one. It's not that this blog holds too much grief for me, but something that William said just finally made its way home. I should look foward, not backward, and I should hold this sense of sadness with me everywhere. I guess I should remember happiness, and move along.
I wish I could have understood the meaning behind you spending a lot of time with me and cutting class and hanging outside the art room, when you were supposed to be inside. I wish I could have told you that you were an incurable romantic. I wish that that day when we went shopping, that I didn't storm out of the subway car because I was insanely jealous. I wish that day when you waved to me from the swim meet, I wasn't lying down, and was sitting up so I could actually wave back. I wish that that day you told me you had a girlfriend I didn't run away. I wish that in sophomore year, I actually talked to you more when you started opening up to more and more people. I wish that I could have thrown a basketball at you harder. I wish I could have been there for you, instead of being scared and looking from the sidelines.
But I don't regret waiting for you outside of both of your classes. I don't regret having you pull my hair, run away with my pencil case, my shoes, anything. I don't regret getting your textbook for you from your locker. I don't regret going to your swim meets. I don't regret laughing at you and arguing with you. I don't regret getting mad at you. I don't regret liking you.
Hi Kevin,
I miss you.
Love, Tiffany
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Feeling as productive as the prodigal son, without his insecurities.
This post started out as a mere explanation of why I didn't go to school today, but somewhere in the proceedings and conversation with Benson, it became a reflective piece.
In two days, Kevin Kwan and April Lao will have been dead for 8 months.
So demonstrative right? Its a momentous statement that should be treated with as much care as possible. But I'm just throwing it out there. Does time really erase all pain, or does it simply erase the memories that carry on the seeds of that pain, that loss? I feel like I don't have the right to type that, throw it open to every single person to read out there. For once, I'm not looking for pity, no melodramatic response on this end of the telegram.
It seems so pragmatic. The more I keep it inside, the more it kills me inside. Thats the way that everything works isn't? I cry within, while on the outside, I'm supposed to be the epitome of this fake innocence. But it doesn't work that way.
It's true that I miss you, but life goes on doesn't it? I drag you around while upholding the perfect image of mourning. The image of death remains so foreign to me. During your funeral, it felt so surreal. I stared at your picture, and the only thing I can remember thinking is that that was the picture of you in your classic grey tee, when you were obviously laughing at someone else's expense.
I'm having a difficult time coming up with appropiate words to use descriptively. I haven't had a good chance to come to terms with your death, and I don't believe I ever will. In my mind, you're still here, and when the Boys Swimming Team has another home meet, I'll look for you in any event with butterfly. The idea of death is just another label, one that needs to be associated with you when the term is brought up. I'm afraid now, instinctively, to throw myself wholeheartedly into another obsession, another liking. I'll entertain the idea briefly, but Benson is right. I have changed. We've all changed.
redxblackx: see
redxblackx: you did just recently update
redxblackx: you havent updated since kevins death
This was the prompt of this post to suddenly evolve into another twisted extrapolation of my mind.
Two days after it happened, I had this humongous conversation with Benson (my first main one) about the death (I was about to say incident, but I think I need something a bit more concrete). He brought up something that was rather striking -
redxblackx: how can these guys survive grenades and explosions, and kevin cant even get hit by a truck, i mean yeah its a truck, but still i wish he would have hung on longer, both of them, and this one guy, joe toye, he got hit by two grenades on the same day, and about 2 years later, he finally gets out of combat cause his leg gets blown off by a mortar, and he sayts "wat does a guy have to do around here to get killed"
redxblackx: if the f0ing school told me
redxblackx: i would have ran to westchester
redxblackx: i would have fucking ran there
redxblackx: i dont care if its a three hour drive up there
Its true. I would have left instantaneously. Or that might be just what I'd like to think. Kevin was a constant in my life. He was always there, no matter the time, no matter where. He followed his own schedule, and I seemed to wrap my own schedule around it. In freshman year, I would wait outside his art class and walk down the stairs with him. I would wait outside of his english class and walk down with him. When I walked to spanish class, he would be sitting on the tenth floor bench, eating a sandwich, reminding me to get Stephanie's textbook back to him. When I would cut part of art, I would hang out with him on that exact bench. Most of our memories were congregated on that tenth floor bench, or the sixth floor bench.
This year, I've been up on the tenth floor once. I actually sat down on the bench, alone, and just paused.
The day after his death, Jeffrey and I had second period free again, where Kevin would normally stop by and play his calculator. That day, Jeffrey and I just sat on the floor, and I kept staring into the hallway. Wouldn't he come by?
There are moments when I stop, and see a kid with a Stuyvesant gym bag, wearing a Northface fleece and backpack. I'll see small eyes, and almost no hair, and my heart will stop for a moment. And then I remember everything.
Five days ago, you would have been seventeen in two months.
I have no climatic ending to this entry, besides the fact that I miss you so much Kevin. I know we all do.
You owe me a swimming duck.
In two days, Kevin Kwan and April Lao will have been dead for 8 months.
So demonstrative right? Its a momentous statement that should be treated with as much care as possible. But I'm just throwing it out there. Does time really erase all pain, or does it simply erase the memories that carry on the seeds of that pain, that loss? I feel like I don't have the right to type that, throw it open to every single person to read out there. For once, I'm not looking for pity, no melodramatic response on this end of the telegram.
It seems so pragmatic. The more I keep it inside, the more it kills me inside. Thats the way that everything works isn't? I cry within, while on the outside, I'm supposed to be the epitome of this fake innocence. But it doesn't work that way.
It's true that I miss you, but life goes on doesn't it? I drag you around while upholding the perfect image of mourning. The image of death remains so foreign to me. During your funeral, it felt so surreal. I stared at your picture, and the only thing I can remember thinking is that that was the picture of you in your classic grey tee, when you were obviously laughing at someone else's expense.
I'm having a difficult time coming up with appropiate words to use descriptively. I haven't had a good chance to come to terms with your death, and I don't believe I ever will. In my mind, you're still here, and when the Boys Swimming Team has another home meet, I'll look for you in any event with butterfly. The idea of death is just another label, one that needs to be associated with you when the term is brought up. I'm afraid now, instinctively, to throw myself wholeheartedly into another obsession, another liking. I'll entertain the idea briefly, but Benson is right. I have changed. We've all changed.
redxblackx: see
redxblackx: you did just recently update
redxblackx: you havent updated since kevins death
This was the prompt of this post to suddenly evolve into another twisted extrapolation of my mind.
Two days after it happened, I had this humongous conversation with Benson (my first main one) about the death (I was about to say incident, but I think I need something a bit more concrete). He brought up something that was rather striking -
redxblackx: how can these guys survive grenades and explosions, and kevin cant even get hit by a truck, i mean yeah its a truck, but still i wish he would have hung on longer, both of them, and this one guy, joe toye, he got hit by two grenades on the same day, and about 2 years later, he finally gets out of combat cause his leg gets blown off by a mortar, and he sayts "wat does a guy have to do around here to get killed"
redxblackx: if the f0ing school told me
redxblackx: i would have ran to westchester
redxblackx: i would have fucking ran there
redxblackx: i dont care if its a three hour drive up there
Its true. I would have left instantaneously. Or that might be just what I'd like to think. Kevin was a constant in my life. He was always there, no matter the time, no matter where. He followed his own schedule, and I seemed to wrap my own schedule around it. In freshman year, I would wait outside his art class and walk down the stairs with him. I would wait outside of his english class and walk down with him. When I walked to spanish class, he would be sitting on the tenth floor bench, eating a sandwich, reminding me to get Stephanie's textbook back to him. When I would cut part of art, I would hang out with him on that exact bench. Most of our memories were congregated on that tenth floor bench, or the sixth floor bench.
This year, I've been up on the tenth floor once. I actually sat down on the bench, alone, and just paused.
The day after his death, Jeffrey and I had second period free again, where Kevin would normally stop by and play his calculator. That day, Jeffrey and I just sat on the floor, and I kept staring into the hallway. Wouldn't he come by?
There are moments when I stop, and see a kid with a Stuyvesant gym bag, wearing a Northface fleece and backpack. I'll see small eyes, and almost no hair, and my heart will stop for a moment. And then I remember everything.
Five days ago, you would have been seventeen in two months.
I have no climatic ending to this entry, besides the fact that I miss you so much Kevin. I know we all do.
You owe me a swimming duck.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The spontaneity of a reaction with opposing factors on both sides of the scale.
I've decided to revive this thing, complete with a new look, that for once, I haven't created myself, or stolen parts of it off another bewildering site (createblog.com? what? never heard of it). Its odd really. I feel my cynicism hasn't been lost, but while attending school, my manner of speech changes. However, recently, this biting sarcasm has inserted itself into my everyday speech, as well as my dry humor and such. I'd credit it to my sudden resurgence of past friendships, but who knows.
Regardless, I've become quite political now. Actually, with a passion and a fury now. I can't really attribute this to any one event, but am sure that somehow, it appeared at full steam when in AP US we started discussing the resurgence of political parties, and whether or not TJ was cooler than AH who had got himself killed with the same pistols his trigger happy son died with. Following this, I checked out two books from the library (heaven forbid the internet isn't a reasonable source), one a collection of primary documents from the time mentioned, and the other a book written by one Maureen Dowd, writer of the famed New York Times. Suddenly reminiscent of my prior Olivi liberal lets smoke pot in the hills of Vermont days, I religiously carried the book everywhere, including the train, the following AP Chinese test, and the horrid/wonderful volleyball tournament at Seward Park. Needless of say, my liberal roots were being continously fed (in addition to fertilizer provided by Mr. Sandler and Mr. Citron's Bush bashing), and I grew fatter and fatter on the political knowledge I gained.
These enlightenments were paired with the soulsearching that I underwent, which resulted in my decision that I am not as free and moral as one would think, but rather am very corrupt in that my views are very similar to AH's and that I do not trust human nature, and believe that certain measures must be taken in order to ensure the stability of our country. Upon recieving an invitation to study International Relations, Diplomacy, or National Security in Washington (DC, not the environmentally friendly one), I started actually thinking about a position in the government upon graduation (CIA me thinks). After telling Benson about my wonderful revelation, and hearing an instantaneous response that I would become a corrupted politician with power, he sent me to the trailer of the movie - The Good Shepherd. Instantly entranced (coming from the one who hates movies), the NYTimes Senate Races to watch became a constant site to watch and the furiously liberal site - www.asadodo.com (a similar blogger site, which prompted me to revive this) were places of interest.
My social life plays second seat (viola, not violin) to my future. Granted my social life is a bit difficult right now with my fury over volleyball, and my indecision of whether or not to doo indoor track this year (my previous entries about that might sway me over to the -punch yes to vote for..- side), in addition to the two guys in my life, as well as five friends, with the resurgence of my best friend, and people who have crept up from the ashes (from middle school and korea) to haunt (invite) my dreams (my life).
Link of the day (a new tradition, established now) - http://asadodo.blogspot.com/2006/09/last-possible-reason-for-war
Regardless, I've become quite political now. Actually, with a passion and a fury now. I can't really attribute this to any one event, but am sure that somehow, it appeared at full steam when in AP US we started discussing the resurgence of political parties, and whether or not TJ was cooler than AH who had got himself killed with the same pistols his trigger happy son died with. Following this, I checked out two books from the library (heaven forbid the internet isn't a reasonable source), one a collection of primary documents from the time mentioned, and the other a book written by one Maureen Dowd, writer of the famed New York Times. Suddenly reminiscent of my prior Olivi liberal lets smoke pot in the hills of Vermont days, I religiously carried the book everywhere, including the train, the following AP Chinese test, and the horrid/wonderful volleyball tournament at Seward Park. Needless of say, my liberal roots were being continously fed (in addition to fertilizer provided by Mr. Sandler and Mr. Citron's Bush bashing), and I grew fatter and fatter on the political knowledge I gained.
These enlightenments were paired with the soulsearching that I underwent, which resulted in my decision that I am not as free and moral as one would think, but rather am very corrupt in that my views are very similar to AH's and that I do not trust human nature, and believe that certain measures must be taken in order to ensure the stability of our country. Upon recieving an invitation to study International Relations, Diplomacy, or National Security in Washington (DC, not the environmentally friendly one), I started actually thinking about a position in the government upon graduation (CIA me thinks). After telling Benson about my wonderful revelation, and hearing an instantaneous response that I would become a corrupted politician with power, he sent me to the trailer of the movie - The Good Shepherd. Instantly entranced (coming from the one who hates movies), the NYTimes Senate Races to watch became a constant site to watch and the furiously liberal site - www.asadodo.com (a similar blogger site, which prompted me to revive this) were places of interest.
My social life plays second seat (viola, not violin) to my future. Granted my social life is a bit difficult right now with my fury over volleyball, and my indecision of whether or not to doo indoor track this year (my previous entries about that might sway me over to the -punch yes to vote for..- side), in addition to the two guys in my life, as well as five friends, with the resurgence of my best friend, and people who have crept up from the ashes (from middle school and korea) to haunt (invite) my dreams (my life).
Link of the day (a new tradition, established now) - http://asadodo.blogspot.com/2006/09/last-possible-reason-for-war
Monday, April 10, 2006
The assimilation of H+ and OH- ions in an acidic supersaturated solution.
I've noticed that I don't usually cry when I'm sad. I've also noticed that I'm not usually flat out sad very often. Usually, I'm furious with anger, or simply riddled with guilt. As a result, I find myself usually crying tears of frustration or hysteria, or pure, unadulterated pain and anger. But what's the point of crying? (Eventually, this is going to warp to why I wasn't in school today). You cry to let stuff out, but what the point of crying whilest you can't really speak while you cry. Perhaps, crying is the catalyst to opening up and trying to show your emotions when you can't speak. Which therefore, leads to my point. People who cry about themselves are just plain cowards. They can show the effort, they can't go that extra step to speak out about their emotions. Which means that thay simply can't face their own demons.
Crying leads to tear ducts, which are situated in the eye. Or rather, the corner of the eye. Which then leads to why I was not present in school today. So only after I walked into school today, Sara Yoon, who I was currently talking to, asked what was wrong with me, because my eye was like red. So I was like, "Hm, yet another one of my red-eye induced contact eye problem. No big." So I meander to the sophomore bar, and borrow Vivian's mirror. And lo and behold! My eye is so red, it was the color of blood. So I start to panic. I go to first period, beg to go the nurse and drag Sophia down 8 flights of stairs to see the nurse, only to find ITS CLOSED. So I track down Mr. Fisher, who takes one look at me, and goes ," Go Home." So he does everything, like sets it up with the secretary, and AH FUCK!
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ok dr new is a bitch
t c e e xe: i was looking for you
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ned*
t c e e xe: oh crap
t c e e xe: what did she do?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: she took off points for yu being absent
t c e e xe: FUCK REALLY?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: and she was yelling at me like it was my fault yu went home
t c e e xe: O.O
t c e e xe: oh holy shit.
H1br1d tH e0ri3: so yeah if she cant fit yu in tomoro...
H1br1d tH e0ri3: then yu have to find her during her free period
H1br1d tH e0ri3: mariya was bsent too
t c e e xe: when's her free period?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: duno
H1br1d tH e0ri3: but yud better come in tomoro
t c e e xe: yea yea yea i will
t c e e xe: but wait
t c e e xe: christine said she wasn't that pissed off
H1br1d tH e0ri3: well she sed she took off points from yu
H1br1d tH e0ri3: yur not starting off with a perfect score
t c e e xe: are you sure she took off points already?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: yeah she sed so
t c e e xe: fuck.
t c e e xe: what about mariya?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: her too
H1br1d tH e0ri3: cuz she sed yu shouldve been there
t c e e xe: well I HAD AN EYE INFECTION.
t c e e xe: what exactly did she want me to do???
t c e e xe: ahhhhhh gah x.x
H1br1d tH e0ri3: am i like the mediator between the two of you?
t c e e xe: hahahahaha lol i'm sorry
H1br1d tH e0ri3: talkto her directly
t c e e xe: yea....
H1br1d tH e0ri3: anyway r u feeling better?
t c e e xe: yea, my eyes a lot better now
H1br1d tH e0ri3: howd it get infected
t c e e xe: i have no idea o.o
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ok then
H1br1d tH e0ri3: BUT COME IN TOMORROW
Ahhhhh fuckidy fuck. So as you can see, I had an oral environmental test. Which used to be my second best subject. which is now going to plummet. And fuck! Mr. Fisher said he was going to talk to her and AHHHH. Fuck.
I sincerely apologize for the usage of language. I normally don't curse, but this is an extreme situation.
Ok, too agitated to update anymore right now. Will most later. Maybe around 12:00 or something. Poop.
Crying leads to tear ducts, which are situated in the eye. Or rather, the corner of the eye. Which then leads to why I was not present in school today. So only after I walked into school today, Sara Yoon, who I was currently talking to, asked what was wrong with me, because my eye was like red. So I was like, "Hm, yet another one of my red-eye induced contact eye problem. No big." So I meander to the sophomore bar, and borrow Vivian's mirror. And lo and behold! My eye is so red, it was the color of blood. So I start to panic. I go to first period, beg to go the nurse and drag Sophia down 8 flights of stairs to see the nurse, only to find ITS CLOSED. So I track down Mr. Fisher, who takes one look at me, and goes ," Go Home." So he does everything, like sets it up with the secretary, and AH FUCK!
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ok dr new is a bitch
t c e e xe: i was looking for you
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ned*
t c e e xe: oh crap
t c e e xe: what did she do?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: she took off points for yu being absent
t c e e xe: FUCK REALLY?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: and she was yelling at me like it was my fault yu went home
t c e e xe: O.O
t c e e xe: oh holy shit.
H1br1d tH e0ri3: so yeah if she cant fit yu in tomoro...
H1br1d tH e0ri3: then yu have to find her during her free period
H1br1d tH e0ri3: mariya was bsent too
t c e e xe: when's her free period?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: duno
H1br1d tH e0ri3: but yud better come in tomoro
t c e e xe: yea yea yea i will
t c e e xe: but wait
t c e e xe: christine said she wasn't that pissed off
H1br1d tH e0ri3: well she sed she took off points from yu
H1br1d tH e0ri3: yur not starting off with a perfect score
t c e e xe: are you sure she took off points already?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: yeah she sed so
t c e e xe: fuck.
t c e e xe: what about mariya?
H1br1d tH e0ri3: her too
H1br1d tH e0ri3: cuz she sed yu shouldve been there
t c e e xe: well I HAD AN EYE INFECTION.
t c e e xe: what exactly did she want me to do???
t c e e xe: ahhhhhh gah x.x
H1br1d tH e0ri3: am i like the mediator between the two of you?
t c e e xe: hahahahaha lol i'm sorry
H1br1d tH e0ri3: talkto her directly
t c e e xe: yea....
H1br1d tH e0ri3: anyway r u feeling better?
t c e e xe: yea, my eyes a lot better now
H1br1d tH e0ri3: howd it get infected
t c e e xe: i have no idea o.o
H1br1d tH e0ri3: ok then
H1br1d tH e0ri3: BUT COME IN TOMORROW
Ahhhhh fuckidy fuck. So as you can see, I had an oral environmental test. Which used to be my second best subject. which is now going to plummet. And fuck! Mr. Fisher said he was going to talk to her and AHHHH. Fuck.
I sincerely apologize for the usage of language. I normally don't curse, but this is an extreme situation.
Ok, too agitated to update anymore right now. Will most later. Maybe around 12:00 or something. Poop.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Nostalgia hurts just as much as a lethargic stab to the heart.
God. You're dead.
It hurts so much.
This hurts so much.
Perhaps its simply the fact that you're not coming back.
But its probably the fact that we spent the last 3 days not talking to each other.
And the fact that I liked you before.
Quite a lot, in fact.
But you probably never knew that at all, contrary to public belief.
And the song "Cry Holy" by Sonicflood is playing on my Winamp right now.
If it were "Breaking Free", I swear I'd be on the floor bawling.
Or possibly worse.
I'm reading everyone's AIM profiles right now.
Maybe I'm being mean again, but I can't stand people who are all sobbing, especially when they don't know you.
Anyway, did you know how many people you've touched?
Probably not, being how engrossed you were into your calculator.
And High School Musical.
But definitely not the point of this entry.
I never really understood why you used to cut Art Class, and sit outside the room with me and Sophia.
How extremely bored were you?
Matter of fact, I never really understood why you did anything.
I'm still scared to read into any of your actions.
The first time I started realizing that you were awesome was that strange time in gym.
Where you were trying to make me and Kenneth go to your meet.
And when Kenneth admantely refused, you went on to me and said:
If you don't go, I will run around school looking for you in my Speedo.
I ended up going to your meet.
And then that time in which we were both late for gym.
You called me a stupid midget for not following you and for not taking the other 7 train.
Where you were stupid too and went completely uptown on the 2 train.
Idiot.
Dammit. Now "Lean on Me" is playing.
It took me so long to cry yesterday.
Maybe I'm just so used to holding in everything inside.
But it hurt so much to see everyone crying all around me, and me not able to shed even a tear.
It took after Jamie's party and the prayer and chilling at Philip's house to realize it.
I started trembling and bawling at Philip's house when they showed the news.
And the broken minivan.
I meant everything I thought and said about you.
Why are all these sad songs playing on my Winamp?
And April.
Gee, I hardly knew you.
I knew you through Jennifer, and her party and the strike.
I knew that you were an awesome swimmer who could kick Chris Kwok's butt.
And I really like what you wore to Jenn's party.
I don't even want to think about Jennifer right now.
Don't you owe her 63 dollars?
You always said that you'd pay her back during senior year, right before graduation.
You and that pink scarf.
You never did get me a swimming ducky, you loser.
Did you know I was the first one to call her?
I called Jeffrey too, but he already knew.
He put me on hold for 5 minutes.
I figured he might have been crying or talking to Katherine too.
You were such a homophobe; I couldn't get how you survived around Nick Koo.
That was horrible of me to say.
The most recent memory I have of talking to you is when I asked you to tell Nina to give me back my shoes after 10th.
You gave me the finger and said,
Stupid.
How bout no.
The memory I have before that was when you me, Nick Koo and Nina were at the bar.
You actually sounded smart that day.
You were teaching Nina and me about Chemistry.
I just ended up copying Jeffrey's lab.
I don't remember what happened, but somehow,
I ended up with your calculator,
and you had my pencil case.
I ended up chasing you all around the bar for my pencil case.
You ended up taping my entire pencil case closed.
It was stalemate.
And then you hit me on the head with Jeffrey's lab.
-All the days you spent with me seem so far away-
Damm my stupid playlist.
Did you have like a fetish for long hair?
You literally kept me on a leash with my hair.
Stupid of me, I know, but I was a bit scared to cut my hair.
And I never trusted you with a scissor ever.
I started getting really scared of talking to you.
I figured, if I stopped liking you, I could finally talk to you like a normal friend.
You can thank Wesley for that revelation.
And plus, I was getting much too paranoid with everything.
And Jane.
I think back, and I feel like you were just a friend to me.
Even though half the time I felt like you meant something more to me.
Maybe I was just a burden to you.
And I apologize.
I'm sorry for using you as the brunt of all my emotions.
Maybe I never liked you really.
I just tried to use to get over other problems of mine.
I first noticed you when I got annoyed about the lack of cute guys in Stuy.
Then I thought, hey! You run fast, and you're pretty cute.
And we became friends through Kenneth.
Without Kenneth and Jeremy yesterday, I'm really worried about what I would have done.
David Luo made me promise like a hundred times not to drink and to go home ASAP and stay with the group.
Jeremy left with us to CPK to make sure we got there alright.
Dammit, why have we become so much tighter and closer after this?
I feel like its quite selfish of us to even be happy without having you here.
All the small things just seem so relevent now.
And the entire idea of death just seems so foreign now.
Ironic isn't it?
We were just talking about the loss of innocence and change in a person after they experience an event in Mr. Garcia's class.
Remember Garcia homework?
You never would tell me how the quizzes were.
And you kept telling me to give a textbook to Stephanie Hon.
And to open your locker to get your stuff.
What a jackass.
But of course I kid.
"Broken Strings" by Jay Chou is on.
But most people, the change came after the death of a relative.
What change do I expect in myself after this?
I'm extremely scared of what I'm going to do now.
I'm going to end up drinking or getting cigarettes from Joe Lee.
Jeremy suggested I listen to "I'm Missing You".
I think I'm a bit done with listening to music right now.
What am I going to do?
After that humongous prayer circle, with Steve Chu as preacher, I felt so much better.
I remember how you weren't that Christian.
But I'd really believe in even God for you.
Maybe I'm being a hypocrite and a coward for wanting to go back to Church,
But I'm starting to think about what happens after you die.
I don't want you to wander.
My dad brought up the idea of the kid from Francis Lewis who got his legs knocked off.
Maybe it's better that you died, instead of suffering.
I can't see you without your legs, without the things that gave you swimming.
Swimming makes me think of volleyball.
Remember that day of that strike?
When you, me, William and Jason were all hanging out?
You never did believe that I could play volleyball well.
See my profile?
That's all you right there.
That day of the strike when you, me, David Dai, Benson, Jennifer, April, and Chris Kwok all went home together.
You stupid dick!
Don't rigg the deck.
I wanted to throw something so badly at your head.
Like that really good and yummy lollipop.
But obviously I wasn't going to waste it.
I think I even told you that.
You just laughed at me and told me I sucked at Chinese Poker.
Says the one who's playing 5 rows away.
Idiot.
And April and Benson ganging up on Jennifer.
TICKLEFEST!
That was my first time meeting April.
I really liked your hair.
I thought it looked really really really nice.
I heard you really liked the color orange.
Swimming team must be devastated right now.
I remember how many arguments we had about track and swimming.
And you telling me all these things.
And I kept saying how I didn't understand all these times and stuff.
You called me an idiot.
I told you that you stinked because chlorine smelled bad.
You said you were going to smack me.
I guess it was good I saved 3 of our online conversations.
And took a video of you at the concert.
And two random pictures.
And John Gao.
I wonder if its destined for everyone to experience the same things.
At that time, I pitied people who knew him or even went to Bronx Science.
Then look at us now.
It hurt so much when people didn't know who you were.
But you really didn't go out of your way to make yourself known did you really.
No, didn't think so.
-There's never a right time to say goodbye-
You had Japanese music on your IPOD.
I don't think I ever told you how much I liked the music on your ipod.
Matchbook Romance - Singing Bridges (We All Fall)
You'll be an enigma I'll never figure out.
I remember how shocked I was when Jenn told me that your past girlfriends weren't asian.
And how paranoid I got when I saw you holding a flower on Valentine's Day.
I had to get Jamie to ask you who you got it from.
Ironic isn't it.
You got it from April.
You were Debbie's Comp Sci partner.
You were David Dai's lab partner.
How are they going to feel when they're assigned a new partner?
Or not even assigned one?
What am I going to do when during 2nd period, I look over from the bench,
and expect to see you playing your calculator.
Gee what a dork you were.
I wanted you to come to SING! so badly.
I really didn't think you'd come to semiformal.
But now you're not going to either.
Damm it all.
This playlist is not doing anything well.
It went from Dashboard Confessional "Swiss Army Romance" to Linkin Park "Numb".
That's exactly how I felt yesterday.
I was so numb.
When she told me, I was so shocked.
When I heard it was you and April, I knew that it had to be you.
And Mr. Polazzo has the nerve to go me and ask whether or not I knew you.
The fucking nerve.
But that's my problem and his, not yours.
I couldn't believe it.
I still can't believe it.
The idea of you not being here anymore is practically alien to me.
-if tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again."
In the end, the silence overtakes the darkness.
RIP 031706
Kevin Kwan and April Lao.
It hurts so much.
This hurts so much.
Perhaps its simply the fact that you're not coming back.
But its probably the fact that we spent the last 3 days not talking to each other.
And the fact that I liked you before.
Quite a lot, in fact.
But you probably never knew that at all, contrary to public belief.
And the song "Cry Holy" by Sonicflood is playing on my Winamp right now.
If it were "Breaking Free", I swear I'd be on the floor bawling.
Or possibly worse.
I'm reading everyone's AIM profiles right now.
Maybe I'm being mean again, but I can't stand people who are all sobbing, especially when they don't know you.
Anyway, did you know how many people you've touched?
Probably not, being how engrossed you were into your calculator.
And High School Musical.
But definitely not the point of this entry.
I never really understood why you used to cut Art Class, and sit outside the room with me and Sophia.
How extremely bored were you?
Matter of fact, I never really understood why you did anything.
I'm still scared to read into any of your actions.
The first time I started realizing that you were awesome was that strange time in gym.
Where you were trying to make me and Kenneth go to your meet.
And when Kenneth admantely refused, you went on to me and said:
If you don't go, I will run around school looking for you in my Speedo.
I ended up going to your meet.
And then that time in which we were both late for gym.
You called me a stupid midget for not following you and for not taking the other 7 train.
Where you were stupid too and went completely uptown on the 2 train.
Idiot.
Dammit. Now "Lean on Me" is playing.
It took me so long to cry yesterday.
Maybe I'm just so used to holding in everything inside.
But it hurt so much to see everyone crying all around me, and me not able to shed even a tear.
It took after Jamie's party and the prayer and chilling at Philip's house to realize it.
I started trembling and bawling at Philip's house when they showed the news.
And the broken minivan.
I meant everything I thought and said about you.
Why are all these sad songs playing on my Winamp?
And April.
Gee, I hardly knew you.
I knew you through Jennifer, and her party and the strike.
I knew that you were an awesome swimmer who could kick Chris Kwok's butt.
And I really like what you wore to Jenn's party.
I don't even want to think about Jennifer right now.
Don't you owe her 63 dollars?
You always said that you'd pay her back during senior year, right before graduation.
You and that pink scarf.
You never did get me a swimming ducky, you loser.
Did you know I was the first one to call her?
I called Jeffrey too, but he already knew.
He put me on hold for 5 minutes.
I figured he might have been crying or talking to Katherine too.
You were such a homophobe; I couldn't get how you survived around Nick Koo.
That was horrible of me to say.
The most recent memory I have of talking to you is when I asked you to tell Nina to give me back my shoes after 10th.
You gave me the finger and said,
Stupid.
How bout no.
The memory I have before that was when you me, Nick Koo and Nina were at the bar.
You actually sounded smart that day.
You were teaching Nina and me about Chemistry.
I just ended up copying Jeffrey's lab.
I don't remember what happened, but somehow,
I ended up with your calculator,
and you had my pencil case.
I ended up chasing you all around the bar for my pencil case.
You ended up taping my entire pencil case closed.
It was stalemate.
And then you hit me on the head with Jeffrey's lab.
-All the days you spent with me seem so far away-
Damm my stupid playlist.
Did you have like a fetish for long hair?
You literally kept me on a leash with my hair.
Stupid of me, I know, but I was a bit scared to cut my hair.
And I never trusted you with a scissor ever.
I started getting really scared of talking to you.
I figured, if I stopped liking you, I could finally talk to you like a normal friend.
You can thank Wesley for that revelation.
And plus, I was getting much too paranoid with everything.
And Jane.
I think back, and I feel like you were just a friend to me.
Even though half the time I felt like you meant something more to me.
Maybe I was just a burden to you.
And I apologize.
I'm sorry for using you as the brunt of all my emotions.
Maybe I never liked you really.
I just tried to use to get over other problems of mine.
I first noticed you when I got annoyed about the lack of cute guys in Stuy.
Then I thought, hey! You run fast, and you're pretty cute.
And we became friends through Kenneth.
Without Kenneth and Jeremy yesterday, I'm really worried about what I would have done.
David Luo made me promise like a hundred times not to drink and to go home ASAP and stay with the group.
Jeremy left with us to CPK to make sure we got there alright.
Dammit, why have we become so much tighter and closer after this?
I feel like its quite selfish of us to even be happy without having you here.
All the small things just seem so relevent now.
And the entire idea of death just seems so foreign now.
Ironic isn't it?
We were just talking about the loss of innocence and change in a person after they experience an event in Mr. Garcia's class.
Remember Garcia homework?
You never would tell me how the quizzes were.
And you kept telling me to give a textbook to Stephanie Hon.
And to open your locker to get your stuff.
What a jackass.
But of course I kid.
"Broken Strings" by Jay Chou is on.
But most people, the change came after the death of a relative.
What change do I expect in myself after this?
I'm extremely scared of what I'm going to do now.
I'm going to end up drinking or getting cigarettes from Joe Lee.
Jeremy suggested I listen to "I'm Missing You".
I think I'm a bit done with listening to music right now.
What am I going to do?
After that humongous prayer circle, with Steve Chu as preacher, I felt so much better.
I remember how you weren't that Christian.
But I'd really believe in even God for you.
Maybe I'm being a hypocrite and a coward for wanting to go back to Church,
But I'm starting to think about what happens after you die.
I don't want you to wander.
My dad brought up the idea of the kid from Francis Lewis who got his legs knocked off.
Maybe it's better that you died, instead of suffering.
I can't see you without your legs, without the things that gave you swimming.
Swimming makes me think of volleyball.
Remember that day of that strike?
When you, me, William and Jason were all hanging out?
You never did believe that I could play volleyball well.
See my profile?
That's all you right there.
That day of the strike when you, me, David Dai, Benson, Jennifer, April, and Chris Kwok all went home together.
You stupid dick!
Don't rigg the deck.
I wanted to throw something so badly at your head.
Like that really good and yummy lollipop.
But obviously I wasn't going to waste it.
I think I even told you that.
You just laughed at me and told me I sucked at Chinese Poker.
Says the one who's playing 5 rows away.
Idiot.
And April and Benson ganging up on Jennifer.
TICKLEFEST!
That was my first time meeting April.
I really liked your hair.
I thought it looked really really really nice.
I heard you really liked the color orange.
Swimming team must be devastated right now.
I remember how many arguments we had about track and swimming.
And you telling me all these things.
And I kept saying how I didn't understand all these times and stuff.
You called me an idiot.
I told you that you stinked because chlorine smelled bad.
You said you were going to smack me.
I guess it was good I saved 3 of our online conversations.
And took a video of you at the concert.
And two random pictures.
And John Gao.
I wonder if its destined for everyone to experience the same things.
At that time, I pitied people who knew him or even went to Bronx Science.
Then look at us now.
It hurt so much when people didn't know who you were.
But you really didn't go out of your way to make yourself known did you really.
No, didn't think so.
-There's never a right time to say goodbye-
You had Japanese music on your IPOD.
I don't think I ever told you how much I liked the music on your ipod.
Matchbook Romance - Singing Bridges (We All Fall)
You'll be an enigma I'll never figure out.
I remember how shocked I was when Jenn told me that your past girlfriends weren't asian.
And how paranoid I got when I saw you holding a flower on Valentine's Day.
I had to get Jamie to ask you who you got it from.
Ironic isn't it.
You got it from April.
You were Debbie's Comp Sci partner.
You were David Dai's lab partner.
How are they going to feel when they're assigned a new partner?
Or not even assigned one?
What am I going to do when during 2nd period, I look over from the bench,
and expect to see you playing your calculator.
Gee what a dork you were.
I wanted you to come to SING! so badly.
I really didn't think you'd come to semiformal.
But now you're not going to either.
Damm it all.
This playlist is not doing anything well.
It went from Dashboard Confessional "Swiss Army Romance" to Linkin Park "Numb".
That's exactly how I felt yesterday.
I was so numb.
When she told me, I was so shocked.
When I heard it was you and April, I knew that it had to be you.
And Mr. Polazzo has the nerve to go me and ask whether or not I knew you.
The fucking nerve.
But that's my problem and his, not yours.
I couldn't believe it.
I still can't believe it.
The idea of you not being here anymore is practically alien to me.
-if tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again."
They say that April died a minute before reaching the hospital.
They say that you died 44 seconds after impact.
I run 200 meters in 31 seconds.
You swim 100 meters (fly) in 59 seconds.
How did it feel during those 44 seconds?
I'm afraid to ask.
I miss you Kevin.
I'll always miss you.
But I won't let you become just another memory.
In the end, the silence overtakes the darkness.
RIP 031706
Kevin Kwan and April Lao.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
An exclaimation point on the wrong end of a preposition.
You're taking everything away from me. I gave up everything for track. I gave up my grades. I gave up the star, the only pride in my life, taekwondo. I gave up hanging out with people. I gave up fake semblances of happiness, for true happiness. I swear, there is no better feeling than what you feel after you run. And the people I've met/gotten closer through track. Are you really going to drag that away from me? Are you going to take away the only source of happiness I had this term?
You told me that I had a problem with track meets and prep classes coinciding. Fucking tell me outright that you expect me to quit track. I can't stand you coating everything with this layer of "you should know already". Be blunt sometimes. You have nothing to lose. I hate you enough already.
I'm already trying to be perfect in your eyes, but goddamm it, you make it so hard. You don't understand me. You don't understand how I'm simply not happy anymore. I find myself running upstairs to cry into my pillow. I haven't done that in ages. I haven't done that since I was 10. You're forcing me to be this ideal trophy daughter. I'm NOT. I'm sick of you bragging to everyone that I am a Student Ambassador. I'm sick of you telling everyone that I'm a black belt in taekwondo (which thanks to you, I can no longer attend). I'm sick of you at my back for everything. I'M NOT STUPID. I have my own goals. I can't stand you ripping apart each one of my goals and telling me exactly what I need to acheive to fulfill my goals. THEY'RE MY GOALS. If you tell me what to do, I'm going to immediately give it up. You don't even know my goals anymore. Do you know how long it took you to realize that I liked Humanties. And you going all, you're excellent at Social Studies, after I tell you. I wonder how long it'll take you this time to realize I want to go to Brown and major in either Anthropology, Sociobiology, or Zoology.
You told me that as soon as I turn 18, I'm out of the house. Good riddence. I don't care. You wonder why I don't want to go to Columbia, and I'm losing my interest in Cornell. I want to get the hell away from you. From all your concerns, your love. Your love for me is what's fucking suffocating me to death.
You think I like staying up past 1 o'clock every night? You think I like getting these bruises on my knees and my wrists? You think I like having to hold everything in to hide from you? You constantly tell me I shouldn't be interested in anime anymore. Bullshit. Anime's just an alternate universe in which I can immerse myself in it and try to mask some farce of indifference.
I swear, track was the only thing holding me up this semester. My grades have shot up considerably this term, and its all because I want to do hurdles. I want to sprint. I want to do pole vault. If you take that away from me, I'm going to do what I told you. I'm not coming home. I'm not associating myself with you. I'll find something else to keep me coming home early. Find. Label this as some bratty complain, but hell, I will follow through with this.
You told me that I had a problem with track meets and prep classes coinciding. Fucking tell me outright that you expect me to quit track. I can't stand you coating everything with this layer of "you should know already". Be blunt sometimes. You have nothing to lose. I hate you enough already.
I'm already trying to be perfect in your eyes, but goddamm it, you make it so hard. You don't understand me. You don't understand how I'm simply not happy anymore. I find myself running upstairs to cry into my pillow. I haven't done that in ages. I haven't done that since I was 10. You're forcing me to be this ideal trophy daughter. I'm NOT. I'm sick of you bragging to everyone that I am a Student Ambassador. I'm sick of you telling everyone that I'm a black belt in taekwondo (which thanks to you, I can no longer attend). I'm sick of you at my back for everything. I'M NOT STUPID. I have my own goals. I can't stand you ripping apart each one of my goals and telling me exactly what I need to acheive to fulfill my goals. THEY'RE MY GOALS. If you tell me what to do, I'm going to immediately give it up. You don't even know my goals anymore. Do you know how long it took you to realize that I liked Humanties. And you going all, you're excellent at Social Studies, after I tell you. I wonder how long it'll take you this time to realize I want to go to Brown and major in either Anthropology, Sociobiology, or Zoology.
You told me that as soon as I turn 18, I'm out of the house. Good riddence. I don't care. You wonder why I don't want to go to Columbia, and I'm losing my interest in Cornell. I want to get the hell away from you. From all your concerns, your love. Your love for me is what's fucking suffocating me to death.
You think I like staying up past 1 o'clock every night? You think I like getting these bruises on my knees and my wrists? You think I like having to hold everything in to hide from you? You constantly tell me I shouldn't be interested in anime anymore. Bullshit. Anime's just an alternate universe in which I can immerse myself in it and try to mask some farce of indifference.
I swear, track was the only thing holding me up this semester. My grades have shot up considerably this term, and its all because I want to do hurdles. I want to sprint. I want to do pole vault. If you take that away from me, I'm going to do what I told you. I'm not coming home. I'm not associating myself with you. I'll find something else to keep me coming home early. Find. Label this as some bratty complain, but hell, I will follow through with this.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
An obstinate complex that's at the wheel 'round here.
I DESPISE the human body. I DESPISE IT with a passion. Okay, I'm done. (Just be glad that you aren't a girl, for all those males out there. Bah).
So I really think that all these stupid loser-ish Hunter people (I kid, I kid) have been rubbing off of me in good, but extremely geeky ways. Basically, them being in Junior Year, and going all -I MUST get an internship for Goldman & Sacs!- has completely warped me into this strange little kid. Yes I do have my procrastination still wholely intact (can't you tell?), but perhaps their influence is a bit more influencial. See, as of Friday, I now moniter at the Social Studies office during period 8, AND am applying for an internship at the American Museum of Natural History. Somebody shoot me, why don'cha.
Today's last Indoor Track meet was horrible. I'm still extremely mad at the people who DIDN'T COME and forced me to run the 4 x 200. I WAS HURTING. I have been hurting since Thursday, ever since I played volleyball. That's why I was just going to run the 4 x 400. But, no, of course, half of the 4 x 200 team didn't show up and me and Stephanie Ko had to run it. My gawd, I hurt more after that 200 than when I PRed last time. By the last 50 m, my legs gave out on me. I wanted to stop running so badly. And I did horrible on the 400 as well! Absolutely horrible. And I hurt so badly; I couldn't get up the stairs. Coach offered to carry me, but I sort of laughed it off, and said I was fine. The worst part? Everyone saw my horrible 400. Wesley, Mark, MICHAEL for god's sake. Everyone. -I intentionally wrote it out to be unlegible to the public view-
So I'm quite a horrible person I've realized. I try to help people with their problems, and yet I do nothing to try to fix my own. I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I don't want people to drift, and I cling on to them. Yet, half the time, I'm the one drifting away, b'cause I'm too scared to grasping on too tightly. I talk shit about people. I look down on people. I'm too self-conceited. I have a pride complex. I have an insecurity problem. I'm too self-hating. I'm too moody. I'm too hypocritical. I'm not smart enough. I don't try hard enough. I hate this. -and when you close the curtains, you're thinking about what I've given up-
Enough of this depression. I promise I was going to start something new this term. All I have to do is raise my test average, run hurdles, chill with friends, and get that internship, and then maybe I can raise some semblance of happiness.
-I've crawling in the dark, looking for the answer-
So I really think that all these stupid loser-ish Hunter people (I kid, I kid) have been rubbing off of me in good, but extremely geeky ways. Basically, them being in Junior Year, and going all -I MUST get an internship for Goldman & Sacs!- has completely warped me into this strange little kid. Yes I do have my procrastination still wholely intact (can't you tell?), but perhaps their influence is a bit more influencial. See, as of Friday, I now moniter at the Social Studies office during period 8, AND am applying for an internship at the American Museum of Natural History. Somebody shoot me, why don'cha.
Today's last Indoor Track meet was horrible. I'm still extremely mad at the people who DIDN'T COME and forced me to run the 4 x 200. I WAS HURTING. I have been hurting since Thursday, ever since I played volleyball. That's why I was just going to run the 4 x 400. But, no, of course, half of the 4 x 200 team didn't show up and me and Stephanie Ko had to run it. My gawd, I hurt more after that 200 than when I PRed last time. By the last 50 m, my legs gave out on me. I wanted to stop running so badly. And I did horrible on the 400 as well! Absolutely horrible. And I hurt so badly; I couldn't get up the stairs. Coach offered to carry me, but I sort of laughed it off, and said I was fine. The worst part? Everyone saw my horrible 400. Wesley, Mark, MICHAEL for god's sake. Everyone. -I intentionally wrote it out to be unlegible to the public view-
So I'm quite a horrible person I've realized. I try to help people with their problems, and yet I do nothing to try to fix my own. I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I don't want people to drift, and I cling on to them. Yet, half the time, I'm the one drifting away, b'cause I'm too scared to grasping on too tightly. I talk shit about people. I look down on people. I'm too self-conceited. I have a pride complex. I have an insecurity problem. I'm too self-hating. I'm too moody. I'm too hypocritical. I'm not smart enough. I don't try hard enough. I hate this. -and when you close the curtains, you're thinking about what I've given up-
Enough of this depression. I promise I was going to start something new this term. All I have to do is raise my test average, run hurdles, chill with friends, and get that internship, and then maybe I can raise some semblance of happiness.
-I've crawling in the dark, looking for the answer-
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