It hurts so much.
This hurts so much.
Perhaps its simply the fact that you're not coming back.
But its probably the fact that we spent the last 3 days not talking to each other.
And the fact that I liked you before.
Quite a lot, in fact.
But you probably never knew that at all, contrary to public belief.
And the song "Cry Holy" by Sonicflood is playing on my Winamp right now.
If it were "Breaking Free", I swear I'd be on the floor bawling.
Or possibly worse.
I'm reading everyone's AIM profiles right now.
Maybe I'm being mean again, but I can't stand people who are all sobbing, especially when they don't know you.
Anyway, did you know how many people you've touched?
Probably not, being how engrossed you were into your calculator.
And High School Musical.
But definitely not the point of this entry.
I never really understood why you used to cut Art Class, and sit outside the room with me and Sophia.
How extremely bored were you?
Matter of fact, I never really understood why you did anything.
I'm still scared to read into any of your actions.
The first time I started realizing that you were awesome was that strange time in gym.
Where you were trying to make me and Kenneth go to your meet.
And when Kenneth admantely refused, you went on to me and said:
If you don't go, I will run around school looking for you in my Speedo.
I ended up going to your meet.
And then that time in which we were both late for gym.
You called me a stupid midget for not following you and for not taking the other 7 train.
Where you were stupid too and went completely uptown on the 2 train.
Dammit. Now "Lean on Me" is playing.
It took me so long to cry yesterday.
Maybe I'm just so used to holding in everything inside.
But it hurt so much to see everyone crying all around me, and me not able to shed even a tear.
It took after Jamie's party and the prayer and chilling at Philip's house to realize it.
I started trembling and bawling at Philip's house when they showed the news.
And the broken minivan.
I meant everything I thought and said about you.
Why are all these sad songs playing on my Winamp?
Gee, I hardly knew you.
I knew you through Jennifer, and her party and the strike.
I knew that you were an awesome swimmer who could kick Chris Kwok's butt.
And I really like what you wore to Jenn's party.
I don't even want to think about Jennifer right now.
Don't you owe her 63 dollars?
You always said that you'd pay her back during senior year, right before graduation.
You and that pink scarf.
You never did get me a swimming ducky, you loser.
Did you know I was the first one to call her?
I called Jeffrey too, but he already knew.
He put me on hold for 5 minutes.
I figured he might have been crying or talking to Katherine too.
You were such a homophobe; I couldn't get how you survived around Nick Koo.
That was horrible of me to say.
The most recent memory I have of talking to you is when I asked you to tell Nina to give me back my shoes after 10th.
You gave me the finger and said,
How bout no.
The memory I have before that was when you me, Nick Koo and Nina were at the bar.
You actually sounded smart that day.
You were teaching Nina and me about Chemistry.
I just ended up copying Jeffrey's lab.
I don't remember what happened, but somehow,
I ended up with your calculator,
and you had my pencil case.
I ended up chasing you all around the bar for my pencil case.
You ended up taping my entire pencil case closed.
It was stalemate.
And then you hit me on the head with Jeffrey's lab.
-All the days you spent with me seem so far away-
Damm my stupid playlist.
Did you have like a fetish for long hair?
You literally kept me on a leash with my hair.
Stupid of me, I know, but I was a bit scared to cut my hair.
And I never trusted you with a scissor ever.
I started getting really scared of talking to you.
I figured, if I stopped liking you, I could finally talk to you like a normal friend.
You can thank Wesley for that revelation.
And plus, I was getting much too paranoid with everything.
I think back, and I feel like you were just a friend to me.
Even though half the time I felt like you meant something more to me.
Maybe I was just a burden to you.
And I apologize.
I'm sorry for using you as the brunt of all my emotions.
Maybe I never liked you really.
I just tried to use to get over other problems of mine.
I first noticed you when I got annoyed about the lack of cute guys in Stuy.
Then I thought, hey! You run fast, and you're pretty cute.
And we became friends through Kenneth.
Without Kenneth and Jeremy yesterday, I'm really worried about what I would have done.
David Luo made me promise like a hundred times not to drink and to go home ASAP and stay with the group.
Jeremy left with us to CPK to make sure we got there alright.
Dammit, why have we become so much tighter and closer after this?
I feel like its quite selfish of us to even be happy without having you here.
All the small things just seem so relevent now.
And the entire idea of death just seems so foreign now.
Ironic isn't it?
We were just talking about the loss of innocence and change in a person after they experience an event in Mr. Garcia's class.
Remember Garcia homework?
You never would tell me how the quizzes were.
And you kept telling me to give a textbook to Stephanie Hon.
And to open your locker to get your stuff.
What a jackass.
But of course I kid.
"Broken Strings" by Jay Chou is on.
But most people, the change came after the death of a relative.
What change do I expect in myself after this?
I'm extremely scared of what I'm going to do now.
I'm going to end up drinking or getting cigarettes from Joe Lee.
Jeremy suggested I listen to "I'm Missing You".
I think I'm a bit done with listening to music right now.
What am I going to do?
After that humongous prayer circle, with Steve Chu as preacher, I felt so much better.
I remember how you weren't that Christian.
But I'd really believe in even God for you.
Maybe I'm being a hypocrite and a coward for wanting to go back to Church,
But I'm starting to think about what happens after you die.
I don't want you to wander.
My dad brought up the idea of the kid from Francis Lewis who got his legs knocked off.
Maybe it's better that you died, instead of suffering.
I can't see you without your legs, without the things that gave you swimming.
Swimming makes me think of volleyball.
Remember that day of that strike?
When you, me, William and Jason were all hanging out?
You never did believe that I could play volleyball well.
See my profile?
That's all you right there.
That day of the strike when you, me, David Dai, Benson, Jennifer, April, and Chris Kwok all went home together.
You stupid dick!
Don't rigg the deck.
I wanted to throw something so badly at your head.
Like that really good and yummy lollipop.
But obviously I wasn't going to waste it.
I think I even told you that.
You just laughed at me and told me I sucked at Chinese Poker.
Says the one who's playing 5 rows away.
And April and Benson ganging up on Jennifer.
That was my first time meeting April.
I really liked your hair.
I thought it looked really really really nice.
I heard you really liked the color orange.
Swimming team must be devastated right now.
I remember how many arguments we had about track and swimming.
And you telling me all these things.
And I kept saying how I didn't understand all these times and stuff.
You called me an idiot.
I told you that you stinked because chlorine smelled bad.
You said you were going to smack me.
I guess it was good I saved 3 of our online conversations.
And took a video of you at the concert.
And two random pictures.
And John Gao.
I wonder if its destined for everyone to experience the same things.
At that time, I pitied people who knew him or even went to Bronx Science.
Then look at us now.
It hurt so much when people didn't know who you were.
But you really didn't go out of your way to make yourself known did you really.
No, didn't think so.
-There's never a right time to say goodbye-
You had Japanese music on your IPOD.
I don't think I ever told you how much I liked the music on your ipod.
Matchbook Romance - Singing Bridges (We All Fall)
You'll be an enigma I'll never figure out.
I remember how shocked I was when Jenn told me that your past girlfriends weren't asian.
And how paranoid I got when I saw you holding a flower on Valentine's Day.
I had to get Jamie to ask you who you got it from.
Ironic isn't it.
You got it from April.
You were Debbie's Comp Sci partner.
You were David Dai's lab partner.
How are they going to feel when they're assigned a new partner?
Or not even assigned one?
What am I going to do when during 2nd period, I look over from the bench,
and expect to see you playing your calculator.
Gee what a dork you were.
I wanted you to come to SING! so badly.
I really didn't think you'd come to semiformal.
But now you're not going to either.
Damm it all.
This playlist is not doing anything well.
It went from Dashboard Confessional "Swiss Army Romance" to Linkin Park "Numb".
That's exactly how I felt yesterday.
I was so numb.
When she told me, I was so shocked.
When I heard it was you and April, I knew that it had to be you.
And Mr. Polazzo has the nerve to go me and ask whether or not I knew you.
The fucking nerve.
But that's my problem and his, not yours.
I couldn't believe it.
I still can't believe it.
The idea of you not being here anymore is practically alien to me.
-if tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again."
They say that April died a minute before reaching the hospital.
They say that you died 44 seconds after impact.
I run 200 meters in 31 seconds.
You swim 100 meters (fly) in 59 seconds.
How did it feel during those 44 seconds?
I'm afraid to ask.
I miss you Kevin.
I'll always miss you.
But I won't let you become just another memory.
In the end, the silence overtakes the darkness.
Kevin Kwan and April Lao.