I DESPISE the human body. I DESPISE IT with a passion. Okay, I'm done. (Just be glad that you aren't a girl, for all those males out there. Bah).
So I really think that all these stupid loser-ish Hunter people (I kid, I kid) have been rubbing off of me in good, but extremely geeky ways. Basically, them being in Junior Year, and going all -I MUST get an internship for Goldman & Sacs!- has completely warped me into this strange little kid. Yes I do have my procrastination still wholely intact (can't you tell?), but perhaps their influence is a bit more influencial. See, as of Friday, I now moniter at the Social Studies office during period 8, AND am applying for an internship at the American Museum of Natural History. Somebody shoot me, why don'cha.
Today's last Indoor Track meet was horrible. I'm still extremely mad at the people who DIDN'T COME and forced me to run the 4 x 200. I WAS HURTING. I have been hurting since Thursday, ever since I played volleyball. That's why I was just going to run the 4 x 400. But, no, of course, half of the 4 x 200 team didn't show up and me and Stephanie Ko had to run it. My gawd, I hurt more after that 200 than when I PRed last time. By the last 50 m, my legs gave out on me. I wanted to stop running so badly. And I did horrible on the 400 as well! Absolutely horrible. And I hurt so badly; I couldn't get up the stairs. Coach offered to carry me, but I sort of laughed it off, and said I was fine. The worst part? Everyone saw my horrible 400. Wesley, Mark, MICHAEL for god's sake. Everyone. -I intentionally wrote it out to be unlegible to the public view-
So I'm quite a horrible person I've realized. I try to help people with their problems, and yet I do nothing to try to fix my own. I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I don't want people to drift, and I cling on to them. Yet, half the time, I'm the one drifting away, b'cause I'm too scared to grasping on too tightly. I talk shit about people. I look down on people. I'm too self-conceited. I have a pride complex. I have an insecurity problem. I'm too self-hating. I'm too moody. I'm too hypocritical. I'm not smart enough. I don't try hard enough. I hate this. -and when you close the curtains, you're thinking about what I've given up-
Enough of this depression. I promise I was going to start something new this term. All I have to do is raise my test average, run hurdles, chill with friends, and get that internship, and then maybe I can raise some semblance of happiness.
-I've crawling in the dark, looking for the answer-
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3 comments:
despising the human body? hahahaha
i have no clue what goldmman & sacs is, but i will nod and pretend that i do. lol. you overachiever! i wish i could be like that, but unfortunately i am a very very lazy person. =P
track... eyes kinda glazed over at this point. but yes, i DID read it! i hope your legs are feeling better. and whatever else that has been hurting.
and don't worry, i think we all have to deal with problems with that. and i bitterly hate myself for it... especially talking shit about people. but don't worry, everything will work out, and you'll get that internship. just remember to just take it easy sometimes. don't work yourself half to death, or else at that point, you just lose sight of just what is it that you're working so hard for. i should know. remember that in the end it's just ANOTHER NUMBER. so do things that you enjoy, don't worry, and RELAX!
and you're NOT that terrible person that you think you are. why would we be here supporting you if you were? ;) just something to keep in mind. and something that i should keep in mind too. :)
What assholes to not come. When they joined the team, they made it one of their responsibilities to support the rest of the team and attend training and meets. Thank goodness I'm not a coach. I would have the harshest policies and everyone would hate me and I would get fired like that football coach I read about in the Specator.
I hope your legs are feeling much, much better. It's okay if they saw you run badly, you can't blame yourself. I'm sure they understand. People can't be perfect and they certainly can't be expected to have perfect endurance. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Aw man, I want an internship too. It'll give me something to do.
ah thanks mucho tiff! that was kinda what i was doing, but i felt so guilty doing it because i thought i was projecting everything that i wanted onto this new person. maybe i am, i don't know. but at least i've found a way out. =)
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