While perusing through xanga on one of my - my hands hurt. must go online and procrastinate in sad and pathetic effort to let my hand heal from cramping - I've noticed that most 'Featured' xangas are either emo or simply 12 years old. Unfortunately that doesn't say much for the intelligence and practically of xanga. These 12 years olds type LyKe tHiS and underline and italize and bold every single word possible. And the emos? They simply just post up pictures of themselves in stupid little poses and pretned that everybody just adores seeing a guy wearing dark red makeup pose with a little emo rubber ducky. Call me cynical, call me ignorant, but I'm certainly not that narcissitic.
Its quite scary though. I find myself actually comfortable with life. It started with me cleaning up my workspace and everything is in its right order, and I like it. Issues with school and life were resolved, and I don't find myself struggling in anything except Latin and Global (but thats just because I don't like Russia). Also, I've found that its safer to place your obsessiveness in a definite unattainable goal, e.g Keita Tachibana. I guess this has taken quite a load off of me, because frankly, I'm sick of towing around that disgusting, useless piece of hope.
But I'm scared to see when the tranquilly will end. When will everything blow up again? I'm absolutely terrified to get so satisfied, so peaceful, that once everything breaks down, I simply can't keep up with it. Would I rather sacrifise comforts of life for a tense-risk free life? I can't answer that question right now.
And don't give me that it won't blow up again. Life always manages to fuck me up in the end. Let me rephrase that. I always manage to mess up my own life somehow, somewhere, somewhen.
Let me post a question then, since this post is quite short, and I apologize for that. Would you rather life a life constantly in fear and looking behind your shoulder , but with certainty that you'd be ready for anything, or life life to the fullest and break down when anything seems to go wrong? Let know what you think.
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3 comments:
hmm i feel like i've complained to you about this before. you start enjoying life and getting used to the peacefulness cuz you think that it'll always stay like that. but we're human. we don't like having good things change. i don't like change, period. but i'd rather enjoy life and have it blow up on me than live in constant fear because what kind of life is that? at least with the first one you can keep the MEMORIES. and sometimes, those are the only things that help you get through those rough patches in life. i should know :)
as for those stupid 12 year olds, everytime i see someone who likes TyP1Ng LyKe Th!S i want to SCREAM. emo 12 year olds in general... no comment. but then again, we're only a few years older and sometimes, SOMETIMES, we're emo too. but we're closet emos together, so it doesn't really matter =P glad to see everything worked out for you in the end, although i'm a tad bit jealous ;P as for me, you know what's up with me these days from my own blogger. actually all you get these days from my posts is that cindy is VERY VERY ANGRY. hahaha. because even though hope can be a good thing, sometimes it really does come back to bite you in the ass. and it blurs reality. maybe i'm regressing back into cindy the cynic after all these months of optimism and hope, but that's what these kinds of things do to you. but that's rather irrelevant, isn't it? perhaps when i feel like updating, [which is very, very soon] i will write a post about that. who knows. but being philosophical really does hurt my brain :P
Okay I don't think I can answer your final question all that well. I'm not as deep as you and Cindy are, and I don't like to ponder the meaning of life out loud. I prefer to think about it by myself and keep my opinions on it to myself. But well, everything is a combination of both for me. I dread what the future will bring, success or failure or something in between. I'm not certain I'm ready for anything, but I'm always prepared to face it and see if I am ready for it. When things go wrong, I of course want to break down. I want to cry and angst over it to myself in a dark corner, but I force myself to accept it and I force myself to calm down. Then I make myself start from the beginning, albeit reluctantly. That's how I view everything.
I hate hope too. It's the worst thing ever to be hoping and hoping and hoping, only to find out in the end that it's never going to happen.
You and me and Cindy should be the @ng5t 5!5t@s, lmao. Oh that hurts my eyes. See if you can figure out what it says. If I hadn't typed that myself, I wouldn't be able to read it. >< Damn these teens and the horrible spelling they've invented.
OW OW OW ME EYES YING!! lmao XD
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