What the heck is happening to me nowadays? I feel so fake inside. Even this entire blogring seems like such a sham, another shell to hide everything inside. Do I really speak with such big words? Am I really that overachieving trackie that everyone sees on the surface? Here I am, trying to get into things that separate me from the mold of being yet another "Asian-Sophomore Bar Girl", but the more I try to separate, the more it pulls me in. What is wrong with me? All these smiles that I see myself sporting in pictures, were they just fake smiles to hide the pain inside. I hate being this person that everyone leans completely on - not you Cindy -. I hate being the person who's expected to come out with a smile and just let everything slide right on by. But I need people to need me. And that's where my egotistical side comes in. I think so highly of myself, I can't bear to think of anyone being better than me. That's what almost broke our friendship, that's what broke me from myself. Stuyvesant, no matter how much I love it, is probably the worst place I could me. I need that self-assurance that I am in fact better than everyone. And I hate myself for it. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I accept my flaws? Why can't I let go of my happy past? I run far away from those memories of pleasant times, becuase I feel as if I have to repent for living so happily up 'till now. Is this my punishment for lookings back upon nostalgic times?
Marie Curie 158Q weren't my most happy days, up until probably 8th grade. 7th grade was the entire 'You must get into Townsand Harris or you are a shame to this family' stage. Plus, that's where Jae came in, but he's certainly not important anymore. In 8th grade, I had everything. I had perfect grades, was a starter on the volleyball team, moniter to the Dean of the school, on the Newspaper Club (interviewed the principal), soloist in Chorus, and the Vice-President of the National Junior Honor Society. I had the best friends ever, and everything was fine. Stephanie Chow probably was one of my best friends during that period, and I love her to death for keeping up with me still, even now. Everything was perfect. Then everything was wrenched away when Stephanie decided to reject Stuyvesant for Townsend Harris, and I didn't get into Townsend Harris. That summer was spent me being extremely apprehensive, but certainly not worried. I had Allison Weiner and Nina Yang, and everything was fine. Stuyvesant was fine.
What happened to me this term? Was the summer before sophomore year just too perfect for me to not balance it out now? I'm such a horrible person. I guess I shouldn't have any happy moments anymore.
Now this entire situation with guys is quite despicable, but it just leads me to hating myself even more. Now if there are parts that are blanked out, I really need you people not to read it, b'cause it pretty much reveals who I'm talking about. Unless you already know who it is.
Why did I have to be in your class that first term? Why did I have to get obsessed with you? Why did you have to tell me that entire 'me in speedo, you must go to meet' speech? It wasn't fair. You were all enamored with your girlfriend, so why did you have to drag me into the frey? Why was I so stupid to believe what someone said about you acting toward me? Why did I skip part of art everyday to hang out with you during lunch? Why did you cut art to hang out with me and Sophia outside your art class every day? Why did I have to get sandwiched between you and the other person with the same name as you everyday before art? Why did I start to overanalyze every single thing I did around you? Why did I wait for you after your english class just to be put on a 'leash'? Why couldn't I have seen it was just a simple interest, a simple obsession. I'm certain now that I didn't like you, but why did you respond? Why did you make me like you? Why do you make me so confused now? I'm overanalyzing myself, but am I overanalyzing you?
To be able to paint tomorrow
To hold close to yesterday
You can't disregard either in order to get over today's wall
Lookin' for my place
My heart chose a road, not knowing where it leads.
The day and night loves to change
But the cry I can't stop
I want at least you to understand this battle inside
But still, this feeling that I don't want to show you weakness
Is always right next to each other
Please realize this paradox
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8 comments:
ah tiff, don't question yourself! and i know this is gonna sound REALLY cliched, but you are who you are. you're NOT fake -- you're tiffany, you're catfish, you're DEFINITELY NOT just another generic asian girl. sometimes it really does feel that way when you're in stuy: you feel so damn AVERAGE compared to everyone else. like you were once in the spotlight, and you GOT USED to being in the spotlight, only to have it viciously wrenched away from you. but don't worry, we all went through that, and you know you'll always have us!
i know in high school, you're supposed to spend your entire lifeforce trying to separate yourself from the crowd via EC's, teams, sky-high grades, etc etc. but don't kill yourself over it. remember to ENJOY high school, cuz years from now you'll look back on the memories and have something to smile about. and if you don't enjoy it now, you might regret it later.
as for being fake -- you're not. don't worry. i don't call anyone else catfish and/or giraffe, and probably never again will [unless i wanna get slapped =P]
as for needing people to need you, we all feel that inside. most of us won't ever admit it though, including me. and don't stress over letting go of the past. the whole "forget the past" cliche -- never really liked it. i guess what i'm really trying to say is to remember the good times, but certainly don't try to relive the past.
you're NOT a horrible person. if you were, none of us would be supporting you, and i know i wouldn't be spending my time cheering you up. heh.
and i'm gonna be honest here. sometimes life really does throw you shit, but then you gotta remember the GOOD MOMENTS. and you definitely don't deserve to condemn yourself to misery for the rest of your life. no one does.
guy problems... i'm not exactly sure if i can relate. well, i can. sorta. but here goes:
those kinds of guys are shit. and i hope you don't mind my saying that. but really, why must they do that? HOPE. it really does suck in those kinds of situations. and it just keeps you there, waiting. and waiting. sometimes for something that will never happen. and then it's up to you to realize that. but sometimes, the worst part is finally ACCEPTING it after all that denial. and sometimes you need something - a trigger - to just release you from all that uncertainty.
looking back on things after they happen really does help because then it's almost as if you see it from the eyes of an outsider. instead of constantly feeling like you should have done something [like how i felt a couple of weeks ago], learn from what happened. that won't necessarily guarantee that it won't happen again, but at least next time [if there is one] it won't come as such a shock. and perhaps you'll have a way of dealing with it better.
and one last note:
happiness is not parceled out to people -- you certainly don't repent for being too happy. there's nothing wrong with enjoying life, so don't treat it as a sin.
hope that cheered you up!
underwear =)
This won't be a comforting comment, I don't think. I'm just glad that there's someone out there like me. I don't like Stuy for the same reason you do--there are loads of people better at something than me. I don't like to have flaws either; I like to be better than everyone else. I was the perfect student, up until I entered Stuy. Then I realized that I WASN'T as smart as I thought I was, I WASN'T as perfect as I though I was. Everyone is just better than me.
Like Cindy, I don't think you're a horrible person. I always thought of you as this popular, cheerful person who is perfect. Seriously. You're on these sports teams, you have good grades (better than mine, and you're so much busier than I am!), you're sociable and friendly and pretty and popular. I don't think you're fake. I think that's the way you really are. But like everyone else, sometimes you doubt yourself. Don't. You're a great person, even if I don't get a chance to talk to you often except for on blogger. Basically, everything Cindy said. (And Cindy doesn't lie--she's so blunt sometimes. -.-)
hahahaha oh thanks ying!! =P
Hey Tiffany!
BLOOGER!!!!!! ahahhahahhahaha XD
new blog! actually it's my new i-need-to-rant-and-be-bitchy blog that i probably won't update that often. anyway, the url is cindylaw90.blogspot.com =P hahahaha 100% ying-inspired!
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